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A Matter of Heart
It was positively sweltering, and Ira was frankly jealous of the marine dragons on the island, who could cool off at a moment's notice. In this still, thick, humid air, there was no way he could relax. He blew out air in an irritable raspberry when someone burst into his study suddenly.
*Whaaaat?* he asked, hardly looking up.
"Ira," Annabel sighed. "Have you seen Kipfel?"
*He's your bondmate. Shouldn't you have, you know, some sort of inherant clue-in to where he is?*
"Well... yes, but--"
*The problem?*
Annabel bounced on her toes. "I can't find him anywhere, and things are just going from bad to awful!" Without invitation, she plopped down on the floor next to Ira, who sighed and closed his book, seeing he wouldn't get anything done for a little.
*Yesss?* he drawled.
Annabel let out a small whimper. "There're seamstresses. They say I need a dress."
*So?*
Annabel closed her eyes tight. "I haven't worn a dress since I was six and a half, Ira!"
*And what? You want Kip to take care of these seamstresses?*
"No...but..."
Ira looked up at Annabel and smiled. *Sometimes it's just good to have him around, is that it?*
"Yes!" Annabel replied exasperatedly. "So then I don't have to go look you up and vent things you don't care about at you!"
Ira looked upwards in thought. *Well. There are worse things that could happen. Like Kip kidnaps the seamstresses and hides them in his cave for a few days.*
"Ugh," Annabel sighed. "I still can't believe he did that." She pulled her knees up to her chest and burried her face in them, oblivious to the heat.
Ira snickered. *Well, he is your bondmate. I somehow get the feeling you're not above doing the very same thing.*
"Yeah, but not to someone's fiance!" She let out a low growl. "Ira, I don't think I can do this!"
*Well if you want to talk some other time, I'm mo--*
"No, I mean this! Get married. And have a family. And stuff. I don't know how you did it. I can't even think of doing it!" She let out a whimper, and Ira got the feeling she was going to start crying soon.
*Well, see, it's easier with dragons,* Ira admitted. *You don't get that big stupid ceremony and all the fanfare and no one has to dress up like a peacock, and--*
"I just don't want to see my life as I know it slip away!" Annabel looked up at the ceiling. Yep. She was trying not to cry, Ira noticed.
*Nabel, don't be silly,* Ira said, extending a wing in a draconic hug. *Tren wouldn't let that happen to you. We all know he's a good man, one of the very best.*
"I'm just so scared!" Her voice was starting to crack. Ira sighed and patted her.
*There, there,* he said. *It's times like this when you would think humans are receptive to sufan.*
Annabel let out a little chuckle that turned into a choke and then a sob and then she was crying.
Ira patted her and rolled his eyes upwards. Kipfel, you'd better get back here if you know what's good for you, he thought. *There, there. There's nothing to be scared of. It's going to be okay. You just need to put one foot in front of the other, and everything will work out. You'll see.*
Annabel sniffled a little and nodded, choking back any other tears or sobs that might be trying to come up. She rocked on her bum and clutched her ankles with the opposite hands. Ira watched her and was reminded sharply of Tor.
*Maybe you should talk to another human about this. Our cultures are so different, and... You know.*
Annabel laughed bitterly. "Everyone's culture is 'so different' here. The only ones with the same culture as each other are Astrid and her company."
*Well, she's married. And she's had her deal of hardships. Why not go talk to her?*
Annabel sighed. "I guess you're right. If you find Kip, please tell him to find me. And I'm sorry for bothering you. Thank you, Ira." She bent down and kissed the dragon right between the eyes and patted his forehead before leaving the Tower in search of the Norsemen. And Gunnhild, who would make things just that much more interesting.
***
*I am not running away!* Kipfel insisted as he and Löwenherzchen loped along some of the further islands. *I'm taking a vacation!*
Löwen rolled its eyes.
*She does not need me now. She has him, and she likes him more, anyway.*
Löwen frankly thought that Kip needed just a tiny bit of psychotherapy.
*I don't either!* the black replied, snarling.
At times like these, Löwen wished it was a peace sufan. It snorted air through its nose in a sufan scoff. May as well wish that Kip were a blue.
*I heard that!* Suddenly, Kipfel came to a stop and declared, *Here. We'll take a rest here for a while.*
Löwen sighed and plopped down and looked at the ideal location. Very spartan. Yep, Kip definitely showed some warning signs of obsession. Should get that looked into...
***
Astrid's cottage was outside the city limits and on a bay. There was some sturdy farmland behind it, and good fishing water nearby. Annabel found her easily, since she and Ingegerd were sparring, keeping their edge. Gunnhild was sitting on the steps, minding Dagmar and explaining each move's importance to Havelock, who watched expectantly.
"Can I interrupt?" Annabel asked, smiling a little wanly. Everyone greeted her warmly. They were nice, if a bit violent, people. "Astrid?"
Astrid tossed her sword to Havelock, who caught it, easily. Dagmar ran over to Annabel, who caught her up and swung her once in the air before standing her on the ground again. "You're growing very much, my dear," she told the little girl.
"She's a handful, she is," Astrid replied, wiping the sweat from her forehead and neck.
"She's going to be a bruiser, like her mother, I think."
"Hah!" Astrid laughed. "Anyway, was there something you wanted?"
"Erm. If now's not a good time, I can come back later."
"Nabel, please! Don't be ridiculous. You don't normally just come waltzing over here, it's not like we're on your way to anyplace or the like."
Annabel took a deep breath and turned away, looking up at the bright yellow sun. She closed her eyes and took another breath before speaking. "It's just... everything's going to pieces, it seems."
Astrid cocked her head to the side behind Annabel. "How do you mean?"
Annabel turned to look over her shoulder. "We haven't been good friends, you and I. It feels awkward saying this to you. We've mostly kept to ourselves this passed year, your people, and the rest of us in town. But... I need your advice. I want your friendship."
"Consider it granted," Astrid said easily.
Annabel weighed those words, and how quickly they came to her. "I ... don't understand how you can say that to a nearly complete stranger."
Astrid laughed and clapped her hand on Annabel's back. "When Kipfel was hatched, didn't you pledge to be his friend? And wasn't he a complete stranger?"
"Well... truth be told, first he bit me. Then we did that bit. And then he told me to pound sand more or less."
Astrid looked around nervously a moment. "Oh. Well. Umm. It wasn't that way with me and Gunnhild, and I doubt it that way for Sandry and Clarinet, either. Or Tor and Ira. Or any others here with bondmates. But those are some of the best friendships. Someone comes to you in a time of need, asks for your help, and you give it to them without an ounce of query. Trust me on this, Nabel."
Astrid hesitated a moment longer, and then led the way over to the steps, where she sat down and took Dagmar on her knee. "Now," she said. "What's the trouble?"
Annabel took a deep breath. "I don't.... think I can do this."
"What? Do what?" Ingegerd asked, parrying a blow from Havelock.
"This! Get married, build a home, a family!"
Astrid laughed whole-heartedly. "And you came to me?" she asked.
Annabel felt foolish suddenly. "Well. You're the only one of us married. And you love Egil. And... you were so young! And..."
"That's an awful lot of 'and's, Miss Nabel," Havelock replied, trying another thrust.
"It's just, everything seems so complicated!"
*If I may offer my piece?* Gunnhild asked, and the lot of them were quiet for the red arboreal.
"Of course, Gunnhild," Annabel said, nodding to the dragon, though the red's bad eye was turned to her.
*Do you love this man, Annabel?*
"I..." she started, but then suddenly stopped and looked at the ground. "I don't know," she said, much less confidently. "He says he loves me, but..."
*But?*
"I don't know what love is, not really." She looked around at the lot of them.
"Oh," said Astrid. "So that's the trouble."
*I think 'love' is different for everyone, Annabel.*
"Do you?" she asked.
"I do. To a point," Astrid agreed.
*For me, Devgan was right because he honored me as equal. Not as better or worse for how I looked or acted. And we didn't put too many demands on each other. Neither of us wanted to leave our bondmates, but neither of us wanted their bondmates uncomfortable, either. And, so, we found love for one another.*
"Or was it common appreciation and understanding?" Annabel challenged.
*I think all love is first born of friendship, Miss Annabel.*
Annabel nodded slowly, taking that into consideration.
"By my own experiance, Miss Nabel, those 'love's born without friendship rarely last long. And if they do, they're rare and far-between, or else arranged," Astrid added.
"She's right, though," Ingegerd replied. "Beauty fades. Lady Freya told me so once. I hardly spent enough time around mortals to see, but now I do." The Valkyrie smiled wanly. She and Havelock had stopped sparring to listen in on the conversation. "But you can't go challenging the word of a goddess, now can you?"
Annabel smirked. "Well..." she said.
"Alright, alright! Your case doesn't count!" Ingegerd laughed.
"Well then, I suppose the proper question to start with is, 'Is Tren your friend?'" Astird prompted.
"Yes." The answer came easier than Annabel had expected. "He is my friend."
"Do you trust him with your life?"
"What?"
"Well. The act of loving someone means you give them your whole heart, unconditionally. And should that person break it, it's almost like dying."
"Lady Astrid would know," Havelock said, staring at her reverently. "She'd lost her husband for some time to the sea. Lucky he made it to this world by the providence of the gods."
Annabel considered this. "I highly doubt that Tren could hold himself in combat."
*That wasn't the question!*
"Oh. Right." She looked around to the five expectant faces staring at her. "Look, I'm sorry for troubling all of you."
"Don't go, Miss Nabel," Havelock called, but Annabel was already leaving.
Suddenly, Gunnhild was right in front of her. *Look. You want our help, you stop being stupid about it and try to let us help you. Stop being ashamed of your feelings, and try to sort them out rather than letting them have their way with you.*
"I just feel so ridiculous!" Annabel told her urgently.
*Well, then feel ridiculous! But march right back there and listen to what we have to say!*
Annabel looked hopelessly at the red and turned on her heel and obediantly marched back to the steps and sat down in front of them. "Go on, then," she said. "Teach me how to know if it's love."
"Perhaps there's an easier way, then," Ingegerd said, looking around the group. Everyone stopped whatever they were thinking and looked up at her.
"Well how would you know, Lady Ingegerd?" Havelock asked.
"I was mortal once, too, you know. I knew love. I don't remember him, but I remember what it felt like."
Annabel blinked up at her.
"Well?" Ingegerd asked. "When you see him, how do you feel?"
"Stupid," Annabel replied quickly, her voice cracking. "And weak."
"Right, right, that's okay. Try to be a little more explicit, will you?"
"Well. Sometimes I feel like I can take on the world, and other days, like I can't even breathe and that I'm going to faint. And I don't see him for a few days, and I put them all together, and I feel like such a fool."
Ingegerd and Astrid and Gunnhild exchanged a look.
"I don't see the problem," they chorused.
"Well I do," Havelock said sternly. "Miss Nabel's been a fighter for Norns know how long!"
"So've I," Ingegerd retorted.
*And I.*
"But! She shouldn't have expected to feel this way!"
"Well, actually," Annabel said, feeling even more foolish, "I did expect to feel this way." She sighed. "The trouble is, it's exactly the way I felt about Mel."
"Mel? Who's Mel?" Ingegerd asked.
Annabel smirked a little, but she could feel her voice cracking again. By the Gates, she swore. When did I get so weak? "He was my teacher," she explained. "I thought I loved him, and he me. But I think now I was wrong. He helped my father and killed my own pupils, and tried to kill me on various occasions. He came round again, but..." she sighed and shook her head. "I just don't want to make that mistake again!" She let out all her frustration with that last sentance. "I just want to be sure he's the 'one', you know? I want it to last!"
"Miss Nabel," Havelock said gently as he could, "nothing lasts."
Ingegerd nodded. "Even Valkyries know their ends of days."
"They're right, you know," Astrid added, holding a tiring Dagmar to her chest. "You have to work at any feeling you want to last a lifetime, no matter what it is. Fear, for instance. You're afraid of loving him? That will pass, the more familiar you get with him. It should have passed already, even, being that you're to be married."
"Lust?" Ingegerd asked. "Well," she laughed. "We already went over how beauty fades, and so, therefore, does lust. Even for power, because sooner or later, that leads to the end of everything."
"Pity?" Annabel asked.
"Now why would you go and pity a man like Tren?" Havelock asked, laughing.
They're so good-natured, Annabel found herself thinking, half-beaming at them all with admiration. "I was just testing it all out, you see." She hesitated a moment. "But won't love fade, too?"
"And hatred, in the end, if you don't keep on having reasons to love a person."
"Well then, why do you keep loving Egil?"
Astrid considered this. "Because he makes me angry," she said after a moment.
"What?"
"Not many people can make me angry. I love him because he does. It makes him special to me, and therefore, loved. Cherished. Every time we see each other, he comes up with a new way to bother me. I get him back, of course. It's a game we play. Together."
Havelock made a gagging sound. "Gah, all this mush."
"Quiet, you," Ingegerd said, elbowing him. "You'll feel it one day, too."
"Not me, Lady Ingegerd. I'll go off and join a pack of roaving barbarians, just so that we can talk about slitting mens' throats and purses before I go and talk about mush like this."
Annabel laughed. "Your time will come, Havelock. Trust me on this."
"Do you feel better, then?" Astrid asked hopefully, Dagmar now asleep in her mother's arms.
"I do."
"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must put someone to bed for her nap." As she rose, she headed for the door, but Annabel called out to her, and she turned.
"Thank you," she said. "And... And have you seen Kipfel?"
Astrid thought about this. "Not even a peep from our chickens, no," she said.
Ingegerd and Havelock also told her they hadn't seen him. "Why?" Havelock asked. "Has he gone missing?"
Annabel sighed and hauled herself to her feet. "Aye. A week and a half longer than he's normally gone during the summer months."
As she left, she nodded to all of them. "Thank you all again, everyone. You're all more than welcome to come for dinner sometime."
***
When she returned home, she found Ira waiting outside her house for her. "News?" she asked him.
*I think I've found our favourite Prince of Brooding.*
"Where?" she asked the blue.
*No, no, no. Last time you went to find him and he was off somewhere, he yelled at you. Let me go to him. He probably left because of this business with you and Tren and getting married and all that, anyway.*
"How do you know, though?"
Ira let out a charismatic wink. *A little sufan told me,* he said, grinning.
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